Try Our Nursing Treatments

We're staying at a place called the Beijing Conference Center, and that's what it is: a compound of buildings for business people holding meetings.

The room we have is part of a suite of rooms in a courtyard; we're in Courtyard House No. 6. The room is austere, but not uncomfortable. There is an air conditioner, a television, a fair amount of closet space and two twin beds. I guess the Chinese tend to share rooms when attending a conference, because our beds are head-to-head, separated by a shelf of sorts, and there is no way to put them together. It offers privacy for two non-married people, certainly.

The hotel has a list of rules and regulations in a booklet, and some of them are amusing translations. I know it's not nice; I know I couldn't translate stuff into Chinese. But it's hard not to giggle at some of the instructions (and, below, some of the spa treatments).

To wit: It is strictly prohibit to conduct any criminal activities such as bustup, gambling, smuggle, drug, whoring. (Glad we cleared that one up!)

Please not to smear and post any propaganda material on the wall.

Prohibit to spit everywhere or leave about stump, pericarp or other wastes. Please keep the environment clean and take good care of green areas, flowers and trees.

There are lots of things available on the grounds, which are spacious. There appears to be lots of gardens and sculptures, and we walk over a bridge and some sort of water (a pond?) on our way to the restaurant and then the bus. There is a huge indoor swimming pool, some virtual reality games (archery and shooting) and a bowling alley. We've been so tired in the evening, that doing anything but sleeping isn't an option.

There also is a salon and some spa services. The treatments have me a bit wary, though.

Under the heading of Quanfushi fragrant therapy the spa menu offers:

• Ovary nursing

• Physiological accommodation

• Lymph toxin expulsion

• Kidney nursing

I don't know what these things are, and I don't want to find out. At the salon, you can have these treatments:

• Eyebrow dressing

• Ear cleaning

• Neck nursing

• Ocular region nursing

• And this beauty treatment procedure: Cleaning face, removing horniness, ozon, needle cleaning, massage mask, shrinkage water and moisture cream.

Hmmmmmm.